I wish life had a firewall of some sort, to automatically weed out people who bring more harm than good to me in the long run.
Then I wouldn’t have to waste my life on people who take advantage of me and mentally/emotionally beat me up, thinking that having them stick around is some kind of worthy investment.
The way life plays out.
I shouldn’t really be beating myself up about not achieving anything I was made to be.
Because, come to think of it, what I’m doing now is exactly what I had planned to be doing after all.
And so it ends.
My first paid job doing photography.
I had never done anything like it before, I knew I was going to screw up a lot. I just didn’t expect it to be this much. With my nervousness added in yesterday when I first started, I was behaving like a retarded duck.
The worst part was needing my boss to clear up my mess. It wasn’t a terrible mess, but I basically managed to show off everything I didn’t know, as well as things I did know but I either panicked and forgot, or had the equipment screw up on me when it usually doesn’t.
I know I’m a noob at photography. I’m just sad because this probably means I’ll never have the chance to work as a photographer with them again.
Well, this is stupid. Telling myself, “This is a good learning experience. Stop beating yourself up and crying over it,” achieves the exact opposite effect.
There are two things I feel like doing right now.
1. Fly to Sipadan and live the diving life. I miss Sipadan.
2. Fly to another country and just sit around in a park or in the city and watch people.
It’s just this gray.
This heavy gray that’s staring at you. And you just feel so weary.
Like nothing matters. It won’t help.
You thought you’d be happy but no. You thought you’d be sad but no. You try but no.
You don’t try.
There’s just everything. And nothing.
And you think that it’s all in your mind. You just hope. It doesn’t matter because you just want it out.
And you wish that this weight would tear lines down your face and scream words that your heart can’t speak.
PMSing.
I guess. Feeling overwhelmed. Thankfully I have a nice boyfriend who sits through it and listens, and gives advice when needed.
I should be excited about all this, really. But I’m so terrified of scrutiny, especially when I know my work is not up to standard. Or not up to my standard at least. I’m just disappointed at myself, that I can’t even do this well, when this is what I wanted.
Still, I should be glad. There is a visible difference between what I’m willing to put in for this and what I was willing to put in for my University work last time. I couldn’t care less about the quality of my work in Uni unless it was group work, in which I only put in all my effort because I didn’t want to let my group members down, not because I was interested in the subject, or had a certain expectation that I set for myself. At least now I can see that this is really what I enjoy doing, which comes as a great relief after spending 3 years doing something I knew I didn’t enjoy, and the 3 years prior to that thinking that I enjoyed it.
It’s just so many firsts in such a short period of time.
It’s my first art presentation today, and it’s a huge one. I’m so used to business presentations, I don’t even have to prepare much for them. I know exactly what to say, in what order, and what questions to expect. But now, I don’t have a single guideline while there are people in my class who are graphic designers and present such stuff to clients on a daily basis. J gave me some tips which I’m probably gonna cling on to for dear life when I present later.
So this is probably not a good time to take up another assignment for my part-time job as a tuition coordinator. But I did. I guess if the parent is unhappy with the slightly slower response, then oh well. Just another customer service problem.
I’m still not great at my part-time accounts job either. It’s getting better, but I still don’t get the big picture. I’m working on Thursday and Friday, which is almost one full week from the last time I worked, so I’m really hoping there isn’t anything I’ve forgotten.
Lastly, and this is a big one, I got a photography job from the event photography company that calls me up for jobs on an irregular basis. Usually I do the printing jobs, which is very simple and straightforward. This time round, they actually want me to do the photography. I’ve never done something like that before, and it terrifies me. Not just in terms of not knowing what to expect, but also, I’m not even sure if the guy knows I’ve never done events before, so I don’t know what he’s expecting out of me. I really want to make a good first impression so I’ll have the chance of getting more jobs like that in future.
So yeah. All of this in the span of 5 days.
I should be happy.
Saw this among my old tweets.
“Don’t make me mad then tell me to calm down. That’s like shooting someone and then wondering why they’re bleeding.”
Actually, I should probably edit it a little.
“Don’t make me mad then blame me for being mad. That’s like shooting someone and then blaming them for bleeding all over your carpet.”
